Stupid-Arse Xmas Hats & Sulky Faces (& other arbitrary stuff)

So. Xmas? Been. And Gone. This time Last Year? When we were still in South Africa? Mom made me sit on the red leather sofa. That was nice. I liked that sofa. But then she made me wear this Stupid-Arse Hat.

She said It’s for Xmas, Moyo.

She said What’s that look, Moyo? It’s a cheerful look we want, Moyo.

She said WTF, Moyo? It’s a HAT not a sodding guillotine. Cheer up already, you!

She said Well, Moyo. You’re STILL going to be wearing this hat. So TELL YOUR FACE to radiate Xmas Cheer, etc. and she promptly parked that fucking hat on my head. And on Cecil’s head.

It may well have been Xmas, but I couldn’t help this face. That Stupid Bloody Hat MADE my face look like this. Mom said Lookit, Moyo. Cecil is sitting nicely, Moyo.

But Cecil also thought his hat was stupid, too. It was embarrassing. And what I want to know is this. Why didn’t Mom even try to make that Cat put on a stupid hat? That would have been brilliant. And funny. And it would have been even funnier watching Mom trying to get that hat ONTO Cat’s head.

I bet if she’d tried? He would have just looked at her and then run away. AFTER he had scritchscratched her to shreddyshreds. So because Mom wasn’t up to fighting with Cat and didn’t want Blood on Her Hands for Xmas she zoned in on Cecil and me like a Captive Audience Heat Seeking MomMissile. And so we had to wear those Sodding Stupid Hats.

Then Mom played David Bailey! David Bailey! AGAIN. She took about a Gadzillion photos of me, Moyo and Cecil sitting there wearing Stupid-Arse Hats. We were supposed to be showing our Happy Holidays faces, us. But actually?

Those were our ForFuck’sSakeMom faces. And also faces which said What will you do if we get beamed up by a Scotty, Mom? Because those hats looked like we were extras in some silly sci-fi movie about Scotty and Eel-like Aliens. Mom was going to get a Huge Fright if a spaceship suddenly appeared in the place where the coffee table used to be before it landed and smooshed it to smithers.

Imagine if the door of that spaceship opened up and out stepped a Scotty with an eel face and it said Hey? Moyo? Let’s go. And then what? What would Mom have done if her Stupid Shiny Xmas Hat had caused me to disappear into the very bowels of an alien ship? She wouldn’t even have been able to take a Stupid Hat Selfie because they would have been beamed up along with Cecil and me.

This is a picture of what Mom wrote on the wall of the Outside Bog (which is actually a lav/loo/w.c.) that Dad built when Mom moaned about being tired of "Everyone" (by which she actually meant the GUYS!) using the bushes out at the pool for a pee-place when they had a braai. Which is a BBQ. For those of you who don't know that.

So you see, Mom does know about Scotty and Spaceships and Such Stuff.

Anyway. Mom and her Stupid-Arse Tin Foil Hats. Clearly, she hadn’t given all the possible consequences careful thought. Clearly, too, it’s because Xmas addles her brains. Lucky for Cecil and me we didn’t get Beamed Up and so we were with Mom for this Xmas. And best of all? Those hats didn’t materialise this year. Maybe Mom just forgot! Or couldn’t find the Right Tin Foil. Whatever the reason, Cecil and me, Moyo? We were DELIGHTED!

But Merry Festive Everythings everyone, anyway. We hope you all had a most splendiferous time. Also? That 2020 brings you loads of stuff that makes you happy.

P.S. I was going to eat those Stupid-Arse hats just as soon as Mom stopped with that camera. But Mom wasn’t Born Yesterday and she made a grab for them just as I picked my Cecil up and prepared to take a Monster Leap off the sofa. I know she will be resorting to Stupid-Arse Hats again sometime and also there is always next Xmas. I will eat them then.

P.P.S. Because this has Absolutely Nothing To Do With Hats, Stupid-Arse or Otherwise, I want to show you this. It's about me, Moyo and my FANTASTIC TRACKING SKILLS.

Mom thought she could hide away from me when she wanted quiet time communing with nature in that Outside Bog Dad built. But, NO!This shows you how I tracked her Right Down.

In the last picture, you can see how I went and fetched Cecil so he could also come and watch Mom communing.