InterMission Post 3...Deworming JesusJones.

It's almost enough to just write that...DeWorming JESUSjones.

It goes like this:

Mom goes to the pet place. She buys those collars which stop us from getting ticks. And fleas. And they have little lights on them for night time. They're cool. I sit nicely for Mom to put mine on. Because I am a Good Girl Moyo. I also eat my Kill The Worm Tablets. No Problem.

Mom says it's because I am a Labrapig. Everyone knows Labradors transmogrify into Labrapigs at the mere whisper of stuff edible. Even stuff not ordinarily considered edible. Like Jones Poo. Otter Poo. Snotty Tissues. Duck Poo. Excellent source of protein, the lot of them. Can't understand why Mom goes YEUGH, FFS, Moyo!! and DONT EVEN THINK OF COMING NEAR ME, YOU VILE POO-MUNCHING HOUND FROM THE BOWELS OF HELL.....well, the bowels of something, at any rate.

THEN. After I get my Magic Pest Killing Collar and my Worm Tablets, it's Jones’ turn.

And then Jones, who was wafting around right with us only 3.7 seconds ago? He's fucked off. Nary a hair to be seen. Mom goes Pssssss...PssssssSSSSSSS PSSSSPPPSSSSSSSSS till she is purple but Jones has disappeared.

Me, Moyo. And Jones. Note what a Good Girl, Moyo I am being.

Note, too, the Disdain, General & Sundry, of the CAT!

Mom arms herself. A dishtowel. Scissors. Killer Pest Collar. DeWorming Tablet. All on board.

We go looking for Jones. I help Mom. I am good like that. Also? Maybe there is Something More to Eat.

What feels like 17 days and 45 hours later, we find Jones. He is sitting like a Mantelpiece Ornament on the wall by the pool. His tail is elegant as it wraps around his feet. His nose has a delicate patrician angle to it as he contemplates all things natural.

He spots Mom. His little pink mouth opens in a silent Miiiiaaaaooow. He looks at her with BIG green eyes. He sits sweetly. Then, just as Mom gets up to him, fully armed, he buggers off.

This here is an Innocent Jones Face.

We did not get a picture of him sitting on the Pool Wall.

Because Mom neglected to pack a camera for the Ultra-Marathon

that DeWorming him would become.

Another 73 days and 2188 hours later, we find him again. By now Mom has moved on from going PSSSSS Joooooooonnnessss???? Come, Jonesssssssssssss to calling him JesusJones and a FuckingArsehole, and threatening to make Slippers out of him.

NEVER Be Lulled by a MeekAndMild Jones!

Just as Mom is about to throw the scissors at Jones, he rolls over on his back and lets Mom get him. He looks all cute. His eyes go all dreamy. His paws all floppy. His tummy fluff is so pretty. He looks like MeekandMildJones.

BIG MISTAKE believing that.

Mom decides to do his collar part first. She gently snips off the old collar. It appears easy. She pops the new one with the shiny little lights on it over Jones's head. Still easy. Jones is still being CUTE.

And Mom is lulled. Which is a BIG Cardinal Cat Error.

Now it's time for the Deworming Tablet. It's not very big. It has a pleasant pale yellow tint, is oval and I can tell you they taste good.

Now, Mom has been here before - she may be lulled by the glazed green eyes Jones turns on her, but it's not her first rodeo. So she pretends to stroke Jones. Then she whips out the dishtowel and wraps it around his neck.

He freezes. His eyes go wide. Mom persists. She tucks his little feet in under the dish towel. Jones stays there, frozen. Mom is comforted by this.

At this point I feel it necessary to inspect stuff. I move in and start licking Jones' face. He goes all rigid and Mom calls me that name I am not sure is really mine. She says FuckOffMoyo! I'm very busy, Moyo. And she grabs that little pill.

So I sit nicely. Because I will eat it. She knows I will. If she would just give it to me. Jones starts squiggling a bit in his dishtowel, but Mom has him in a vice-like death-grip as she tells me to Sod off, Moyo. This is NOT FOR YOU. It's for Jones. We need to make sure he doesn't have worms, Moyo.

What happens next is this.

Mom loosens her grip on the back of Jones's neck. And the dish-towel. She grabs his face and attempts to pry his jaws open. The pill is poised in the other hand. She just about gets it in the general direction of his face when suddenly she is bleeding and has fur in her mouth. Jones is still a bit trapped in the dish-towel but he is possessed of about 17 legs. All of them have MASSIVE claws on them. Some of these claws have bits of Mom on them. He also suddenly has about 7.9 sets of teeth. Some of them also have bits of Mom on them.

And the pill is on the floor.

So I try to eat it. And Mom goes absolutely-ape-shit. She screams NO, MOYO! NO MORE WORM STUFF! You'll be pooing worms till next century!!

She picks it up. Now it's a bit squishy. Could be Jones Spit. Could be Blood.

She tries again. 17 million JesusJones Claws and 4 and half billion JesusJones Teeth later? The pill has landed in the pool, Mom is shredded. And Jones has gone back to sitting on the wall.

Only now he keeps his eyes on Mom as he slooooooowly lifts one leg into the air. And starts licking his butt.

I guess JesusJones gets to keep his worms, after all.

The Morphology of Jones/JesusJones