Farm Dog. Faaaaarrrrmmm DOG!

So. It's At Last. Mom has Finally Managed to Pull Finger and Get her Head Into Gear Sufficiently to tell you All About me, Moyo when I was Moyo Farm Dog. It's been SUCH a long time coming that it is Almost Like A Dream Time. Because these days? I am not Moyo, Farm Dog. I am Moyo Something-Else-That-You-Will-Probably-Have-To-Wait-7000million-Years-To-Hear-About. Swear, you guys? Sometimes Mom is Enough to Make a Monkey Bite his Grandmother.

Which is something Mom likes to say. I don’t know what it means, though. So don't ask me.

Ok, so you have read about when Mom wrote the thing about Being Unfaithful to Jack? In it she waxed All Lyrical About Hops and Beery Stuff. This is because we spent about a month with their friends on their farm. Which was Dad’s IDEA. Because Dad likes beer. And Mom was Just a Teeny Bit Bad Tempered about the Big Idea when Dad first brought it up.

She said WTF, Dad? Just because YOU fancy a bloody beer. How come that means I, whiskey drinker, have to do what you think is a sodding clever thing to be doing with one’s time? (Here please note, says Mom, that she has used the word CORRECTLY. It’s whiskEY. Because it is Jack Daniels. She says she doesn’t much care about the spelling of any other kind, though.)

Anyway, Mom went on At Great Length as she can when her fire has been lit. Whilst doing something to pass the time is never a Bad Idea and Mom is Quite Willing to Partake of Gainful Enterprise in the Pursuit of the Above-Mentioned, the fact that Dad was excited about seeing Rita and Barry’s beer birthing farm FOR A WHOLE MONTH (nay! Not suggesting. HAD ARRANGED, CONFIRMED and WAS DRIVING the Noahbago TOWARDS.) was Not Exactly Mom’s Idea of Great-I-Can-So-Do-This-Kind-Of-Fun.

So we ALL had to listen to her Whine about it for quite some time. Dad remained resolute, however, and we were EVHE in Malakwa bound.

I told you we spent the night sleeping in the ‘Bago parked outside The Legion (no.99, to be absolutely specific) in Sicamous? Right. Well, the next say we left Sicamous and drove about 20 minutes towards the Rocky Mountains (again!) to the teeny, tiny village of Malakwa. Which is where we met the Wonderful Rita who instantly Hit a Panic when she saw me, Moyo.

This is because she was worried that her dogs would not like me and that we would fight. Now I know – and Mom knows – that I would Never fight with Any Dog and that I am Actually Very Smart About that because I have a Clever Moyo Trick which I use when I meet a New Dog. Mom said Rita, really? It will be quite fine.

But Rita called her husband Bear and said that he should bring their dogs to the Malakwa Park to meet me on a neutral ground. So he did. And when we all got to the park? Well...

Rita and Bear’s dogs sniffed my butt and ran off across the field to chase some squirrels. It was all over in a second and not all that much fun, really. I didn’t get to sniff any butts myself, which is Not Proper Dog Etiquette.

Anyway, then we all drove from that meeting place to the farm right in the middle of some forests in Malakwa and it is Right on the bank of The Eagle River. And it’s BEAUTIFUL. And it means I was Moyo, Farm Dog for a Whole Month!

Only ONCE on the first day was it necessary for me to Employ My Clever Trick. Kuma – who is the Alpha Male Dog – got All Bossy with Me on our way to Look at The River. So what did I do? Get Bossy back? No. Get All Snippy? NO!

I did my Clever Moyo Trick. I Rolled Over in Front of Kuma and Played Meek And Mild and LET HIM THINK HE IS THE BOSS OF ME.

And pretty soon after that? Kuma let me sniff HIS butt and then we became Boyfriend & Girlfriend and HE LOVED ME! So. Ladies? That’s the TRICK. If you have not yet had the chance to Sniff a Butt Back and the Butt Sniffer wants to Be The Boss of You? Play Meek and Mild. Roll Over. And pretty soon you can sniff back and you did ALL THAT WITHOUT ONCE HAVING TO SHOW YOUR OWN TEETH. (Which are VERY sharp and VERY white, too. But you get SO much further if you only show them in a SMILE! (Until such time as it may become necessary to use a little snarl with them. And if THAT doesn’t work? Add a growl. A Big, Deep and Bubbly one. Then SMILE again. With INTENT! (Proverbs 3: Book of Moyo))

Me, Moyo. Hops Farm Princess Dog. And Kuma. (which means Bear in Japanese)

So. Mom and Dad saw some of the Hops Harvest every day. Some days they went down to chat with the pickets hand-picking the delicious hop heads from the bines (that's what the Vines on which hops grow are called.), other days they watched the big, noisy machine which pulls the hop heads off the bines and drops them into baskets.

Then, when the baskets were full? They went into a Big Hot Air Dryer for the night. And the next day they got ground up and made into Hop Pellets. These pellets are what is used to help Make Beer Delicious. They get sealed into airtight foil bags and made ready for shipping off to whichever Brewer has ordered them.

Some days it rained like a cow piddling on a flat rock. On those days the hops had to be handpicked as they jam the machine if they are wet. And in some ways that was the bestest time because everyone picking the hops could talk because there was no loud machine. They all Talked and they All LAUGHED. There was A HUGE BIG AMOUNT OF LAUGHING and it was good! (and WHAT? You may ask is Dad doing Messing with HIS ZIPPER? Or perhaps, it is One of Those Times when It's The Very Best to Just IGNORE HIM!!)

And what did I do? I played Farm Dog, Farm Dog with Kuma and Maddy. Kuma is a Husky x Alsatian and BOY! Is he Handsome? And Maddy has Rhodesian Ridgeback in her. She didn’t play too much with us as she has Very Sore Hips.

Oooops. I nearly forgot. There was also Lola. Lola was SO OLD. And she didn’t move much. Mostly she lay on the floor and looked Just Like One of My Cecils.

One of the things I learned to do from Kuma was to FORAGE. He taught me to eat Raspberries Straight From the Raspberry Bushes growing on the sides of the Farm Road. And they were YUM! I REALLY Liked them. A lot.

Also? Something Truly Fun I discovered about Being A Farm Dog? DUST! Dust Rules. I found that I could Disguise myself. I could make myself into Moyo, Chocolate Labrador. (Which Amused the Crap out of Mom. Until she caught me Rolling on the Carpet in The ‘Bago. Then she was Not Best Pleased. And I got Sent Outside To Play In The Big, Red Buses. Which was Actually The Farm. I didn’t see ANY buses, red or big or otherwise. But because I love Mom I allow her those little Idiosyncrasies. Like Buses, Monkeys and Grandmothers. And Swearing.)

Mom is NO FUN!

And sometimes, Kuma and me, Moyo? We wouldn’t wait for someone to come with us. We would go down to the beach on the river all by ourselves. But sometimes we would go with the Hop Pickers after they had finished picking for the day. And sometimes we would go with Just Mom and Dad.

And one time? I ROLLED IN A DEAD SALMON. And I LOVED IT. Mom, though? Not so much.

For Fuck's Sake, MOYO! She shouted. You’re supposed to be An Educated and Well-Bred Dog. Now you SMELL like a…a….a……

Mom couldn’t quite think what I smelled like. And she was Cross BECAUSE DAD, who spotted me first, said You’re going to have to BATH THIS DOG, MOM. And when Mom asked him WHY she had to do it, he replied Because She Stinks.

To which Mom replied Really? REALLY? She Stinks, does she? And why should that mean YOU can’t wash her?

SHE STINKS said Dad. And that was that. Mom got Mad. With Dad. And with me, Moyo. Because SHE had to wash me. Because, evidently, Moyo she muttered loudly, bloody men suffer the misappresoddinghension that we women DO NOT HAVE FUNCTIONING OLFACTORY SENSES.

Also, Moyo? Remember how Dad behaves as if his leg is BROKEN if he discovers a POO on a Carpet. Suddenly his Nose is Most Offended AND his fucking legs don’t work properly. The Retching and Red Facing that goes on is ENOUGH TO MAKE A MONKEY BITE ITS OWN GRANDBLOODYMOTHER, Moyo!

(There’s MORE to tell about me, Moyo being Farm Dog Moyo but Mom says The GhostyWriter has Now Got a Bone In Her Finger and it will have to wait until laaater.)