Another InterMission Story...About The Bastards.

So. Many of you already know about JesusJones and JoJo. But some of you have not met them yet and so I asked Mom to tell you about them. Another time she will tell you about HairyButt.

See. We are on this Epic Adventure in our Noahbago and in the ‘Bago is me, Moyo. Also Mom and Dad. And The Bastards. Properly known as Jones and JoJo, The Bastards are our Cats. And Mom started calling them their Collective Name when we started this Epic Adventure.

And that’s because Mom was the one who had to give them the calming meds which Mom calls CatCalmingCrap. Because, Moyo, she says. That shite does not work. The only thing that will calm one of these little fuckers is a mallet. And, Moyo, she adds. Your Dad is a Delicate Little Flower. Evidently. Probably to do with the fact that Dad was usually off elsewhere doing whatever apparently vital thing it is that men do when their wives would have them not doing it when it’s Time To Calm A Cat. Or clean the Cat Poo House out.

And so? It fell to Mom to get each of them in a Vice Like Grip, Prise Open Their Maws – and shove a tablet down their Gullets. Mom discovered that there is No Such Thing as an Effective StrangleHold on a Cat. And that they can go from Sweetness and Apparent Light to Fucking Dervishes in a Nano. Actually? Mom had found this out when it was Worm Tablet Time earlier this year, but she must have been Suffering Some Sort of Memory Loss. Clearly. Because she soldiered on with the Stuff meant To Render A Cat Soft, Fluffy...and COMPLIANT! and ended up Shredded. And as Cross as a Cross Thing. Which ALWAYS makes her turn the Very Air Blue with her Out-Of-Work-Trucker-Mouth. Again.

Jones, in particular. He Morphs from Gentle Jones, Meek and Mild to Beelzebub. On Flakka. He peels back his whiskery lips to reveal that he has Shark in his Genes and is possessed Most Suddenly of About fourteen rows of teeny, tiny Razorsharp Fangs and there’s an arachnid in that pool somewhere as well because he grows about seventeen legs, too. All of which are armoured with 700million curved and cruel claws. Which he uses on Mom with the Utmost Pleasure. Hence The Bastard.

Now, JoJo. JoJo is a Tad Slow. One look at his eyes and you know that he is a chocolate or two short of a full box. He’s Terrifically Sweet, though. Until it’s CatCalmingCrap time. And then, but in Slow Motion, as he gathers his Wits About Him, he proceeds to B.I.T.E. Mom. The expression in those Gentle and Rather Vague Eyes does not change, either. It’s all Rather Disturbing. Another Bastard.

Ergo – The Bastards.

The Bastards. In Penticton.

(A Rare Occurrence this pic. Usually the only time they can be seen together

is when they are Trying To Kill One Another.)

In this picture here...

...you see me, Moyo. And Cat. His name is Jones but I call him Cat.

Now, I've heard Mom and Dad call him JesusJones. But only when he ignores them. Or when he gets in the cupboard when they are trying to close it. And once when it was midnighty and Dad was trying to sleep and Cat was pushing his whiskery head into Dad's face and up his nose because Cat wanted to get in the bed...like right in the bed?

Dad called him JesusJones then, too. And then when Cat got out the bed and three minutes later wanted to get back in? Dad called him WhatTheFuckJones.

Sometimes if Cat does that a lot at a midnighty time Dad also calls him OnceMoreAndYou’reDeadJones. And Mom calls him ForTheLoveOfGodJones when he won’t get out of her cupboard.

He has a lot of names. But I call him Cat. And Cat and me here? We are on the big day bed. I am on it because Cat is on it. Otherwise I wouldn't be. Only because of Cat. He likes to sleep on this so I am really helping him.

And Mom might think she is funny with that cushion there. But I told Cat it says

No Cats Allowed

and Cat said Whatever, Moyo. He said Good Luck with that. He said Hey Moyo?

I said Yes?

And Cat said ...

Because cats are weird like that.